Last One

Well my friends...I'm afraid to say this will be the last post I write while in our beloved country Mexico.

Tonight Eva wants to take Christmas pictures with me like these I took with Kirena last year:

But let's face it, it's not gonna work out.
A) because I don't have my big camera here,
B) because we don't have anywhere to take the pictures,
C) because I don't have any of my Christmas-y clothes or make-up colors here,
and D) because she's not Kirena! It just won't be the same.

So...there's that.

Then tomorrow I'm FINALLY learning how to make tortillas with Yazmin's maid in the afternoon. Yep. The same one who washed Raja.

Then Thursday is my Christmas/ Going Away party at the school.

Friday I'm taking my family out to a big fancy dinner.

Saturday I'm getting my nails done and going to the Super Tazon Azteca!! (Mexican Super Bowl)

And Sunday morning we're peacing out at 5:30am to head up to El Paso and then 12 hours later I'll be HOOMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...goodbye? Thanks for all your prayers and support this semester. It's been a big comfort to know I have so many people at my back supporting me. Sorry I couldn't bring you more from this experience. And sorry I couldn't give you more of a "last post/ goodbye post."

Thanks, love, bye! See you back in the U.S. of A!

Bus ride from hell...

Well…shortly after I wrote my last post, I called American Airlines again and changed my flight to Sunday the 9^th instead of Saturday the 15^th.

Let’s be honest, it’s time for me go. There simply is nothing left for me to do here. Every day I realize more and more what a failure this trip has been. It is time for me to go home. None of my goals were met, nothing I tried to do worked out; I’ve given up hope for this trip, and will be flying back home in 7 days. Sunday couldn’t come fast enough.

Wednesday night after I changed my flight, I made a list of things I wanted to do with my last 10 days “abroad” to take advantage of my time here and try to appreciate the city, etc. Those are turning out to be a failure too…

Originally I wanted to go out to the orphanage this Friday just for the day, to see everyone again and say goodbye to the kids and whatnot. I felt like I needed to since I told them I would come back. Well…as you’ve probably already guessed…that didn’t work out. So (again trying to take advantage of my time) I decided to have class in the morning, then I went to the mall by myself for a couple of hours (which I’ve been wanting to do and really enjoyed doing something on my own), and then I walked across the street and hopped on a bus. Yep.

Greg had told me a while back that sometime if I was bored and wanted to see more of the city, I should just hop on a bus cuz “you know it’ll always come back to where you got on it!” (All the bus routes run in circles). So…that’s what I did. I’ve been wanting to do it for a while just to see where it would take me. Meanwhile…I’ve been thinking the entire route would take at most an hour. So yesterday I get on the bus that I always take to school, Circunvalacion 1, and take a seat in the back. After about an hour I got a little worried, because I could tell we were WAY south in the city (I live in the north part) and not going in the direction of home. After (count ‘em) two and a half hours I was worried sick because it was starting to get dark and to rain and we were still NOWHERE close to being home. I recognized we were downtown, following the same route we’d taken about an hour before. I was very near tears the entire last hour and a half I was on that bus. I remembered one time months back when Yazmin had told me, “If you ever get on the wrong bus and get lost and have no idea where you are, just call me and I’ll come get you.” And so I called Yazmin. She must have sensed the fear and exhaustion in my voice because she immediately dropped everything and came to get me in about 15 minutes. As soon as I stepped off the bus and sat down in a little park to wait for her, I started crying. I was exhausted and had the worst headache from being frantically worried for the past 2 hours. Yazmin took me to her house and made me dinner and gave me milk and cookies (I’ve never felt more like a little girl who got lost from her parents) and then I just went home and slept. And slept. And slept. For 15 hours to be exact.

That experience just affirmed that I would like nothing more for this “journey” to be over and to go home. And asap.

I’m over it. Wayyyy over it.

7 days to go.

P.S. I’m really not sad. Please don’t feel sorry for me.

But seriously??

Don't hate me for looking at the American Airlines website to see how much it would be to change my flight.

I would leave tomorrow if I could. I'm so over it.



P.S. Good news. Elizabeth and I got into a townhouse for the spring. This is good because we're been stressed because we had nowhere to live before. Yay.

Much needed pictures...

These are not at all in order and we're gonna pretend that that doesn't bother me, ok?

So here is our Thanksgiving feast that I insisted on having:
Todo la familia:

Us girls being crazy after dinner:

Dyed my hair again:

Me and Eva:

Me with my beautiful Christmas tree that I decorated:

A nice view of the city:

My pretty tree again:

The Thanksgiving box my mom sent me!:

Ready for Thanksgiving!:

Billy, David, Kristen, and I when I went to visit them in Parral:

Me and Eva before the quinceanera:

The cake:

Pyrotechnics? Yeah...it was a little eccentric.

Dancing with balloons, and the birthday girl, Daniela:

Almost Done

So...I've got less 3 weeks until I finally go home. 19 days to be exact. And I am sooooo ready. Not desperate, but just ready. And definitely excited.

I feel like I've done everything that there is to do. Most of the things that I wanted to do didn't happen and I've basically just stopped expecting anything other than learning Spanish to happen.

So yeah...I feel like I was a little mislead in the beginning, but I've just come to accept that I'm only here to learn Spanish. That's it.

So...anyway...I'll be home in 19 days. I expect a giant hug from all of you. :D

HOLIDAYS!!!

I mean let's face it. I love this time of year. We decorated for Christmas this weekend (at my request--they normally don't decorate) because it was a long weekend for the Mexican "holiday" celebrating the revolution. And I must say...I decorate a mean Christmas tree. It's pretty much beautiful. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'm super excited. One of Eva's friends drove up to Dallas for a conference and took a bunch of my stuff home for me, and she's bringing back a bunch of traditional Thanksgiving food that my mom made and tomorrow I'm skipping school and I'm actually gonna cook the rest of the big meal! We're going to have a feast! And there's like 8 people coming total I think. I'm so excited for my family here to try an American Thanksgiving feast! And supposedly it's gonna snow on Sunday?! Not sure if I fully believe it but...yay? And in 24 days I'll be home for CHRISTMAS!!! Ugh I loovvveeee the Holidays!

Sorry I'm not posting more often...I've been having computer troubles lately. Love it.

Oh p.s! I'm going to the Mexican Super Bowl on December 8th!! Hahaha....yesterday Eva was like...Hey do you want to go to the Super Bowl with us in December? And I was like...umm...I'm pretty sure the Super Bowl is in February... And she was like, No, it's the Mexican super bowl! So...there ya have it!

It's a little late...

I’m sorry I’m not keeping ya’ll updated more often. I’ve been super tired lately and the last thing I want to do is stay longer at school to blog. Forgive me.

I have a new teacher in the afternoons now. Her name is Pati and she’s got this crazy new-agey way of teaching. It’s hard to explain it so I’m not going to even try. I’m not learning new things, just learning to apply the things I already know that are hard for me. It’s been great and extremely helpful, but it’s insane how exhausting it is. Mainly because it’s in the afternoon and my brain is always just dead in the afternoons. I can’t ever concentrate after lunch. All I wanna do is sleep. So it’s been a challenge because this new way of teaching is real intense and I really have to be thinking hard the entire 2 ½ hours. But I’m enjoying the challenge seeing as I feel like I haven’t used my brain at all in a few weeks.

To add to my exhaustion, I’ve been running every morning at 6:00 with Eva in La Deportiva (the Central Park of Chihuahua). It’s really amazing to wake up and start running when it’s freezing and still dark, and then watch the sun rise over the mountains and stretch warm orange streaks along the grass through the trees as my breath lingers visibly in the cold air. And the cooing of a billion pigeons is almost overwhelmingly soothing. I actually really love it. But damn it’s early. And 2 laps around the Deportiva takes 40 minutes.

I realize the more I live here that we really are in the high desert. Although it’s cold enough for me to see my breath in the morning and to bundle up before heading out to run, in the afternoon I find myself sweating while walking to the bus stop in a t-shirt and jeans. What’s that about?

I went to Parral last weekend to visit 3 of my JBU friends who are teaching English there at a Christian school. I really loved being there. I took the bus, by myself (a huge step for me here in Mexico) 3 hours south. I found the small city of 100,000 quite charming. It was much smaller than Chihuahua and had much more hills and cerros (as they call them in Spanish—basically giant hills). We walked EVERYWHERE. Sometimes half an hour just to get to one place. I took a taxi for the first time in my life and got over that fear. It was really great to be there and have a weekend of fellowship with people who understand where I’m coming from, and whom I can talk to in English. It was really fun too because all 4 of us are bilingual and so most of the time we’d switch the conversation back and forth between English and Spanish. Now that I think about it—that’s pretty cool to be able to do. I was also told by multiple people that my accent is amazing. Maybe because they’re used to hearing Spanish with an American accent from Kristen, Billy, and David…cuz people never tell me that here. I spent the weekend battling envy because the 3 of them have such a great community down there. Billy was telling me that he doesn’t really miss being at JBU because his JBU community was replaced with his co-workers and friends from church (the school is connected to the church). Which explains why I miss JBU so much. I don’t have a community down here… I stayed 4 days and came back Monday night, a little sad to be leaving. But I actually caught myself thinking, “It’s good to be home…” when I arrived back in Chihuahua. Weird. I’ll be going back to Parral in 2 weeks hopefully. And who knows….maybe I’ll end up teaching there too in a couple of years. They’ve already offered me the position…ha. J

Well…I’ve saved this for the last paragraph because I know you’ve all been anxiously awaiting what I’m about to say. I regrettably inform you that the orphanage thing is not working out. Perhaps this is why I’ve delayed so long in replying. I haven’t heard a word from them. Granted, I haven’t tried calling them. Mainly because the day I left, when I talked to Mama Rosy, it seemed by the tone of her voice that they didn’t really need me there (which is hard for me to understand because what orphanage with 120 kids and only 8 on staff doesn’t need more help?) I’ve been praying heavily about what to do with the rest of the semester and I’ve come to my conclusion: God brought me here to learn this language. To do language school. And that’s what I’m gonna do all 16 weeks. Seeing as I feel like I tried all semester to get into an orphanage and then when I do and want to stay there, they don’t need me—it would seem that the missions thing is not in God’s plan for me here. You can only do so much right? I’ve prayed about it fervently, and I just don’t feel led by the Lord to pursue it. Sorry. L Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s in His plan for me here.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I always have to have a conclusion; I always have to make sense of things. How many times have I asked the question, “Why am I here?” I think God brought me to Mexico to get over Mexico. And by that I mean to get over the whole missions abroad thing. I’ve decided that the Lord calls people, strong, selfless, determined people to minister to strange and foreign countries abroad. I am not one of those people. Now I’m not ruling out the option of teaching English here or in another Latin country…I’m just saying that it’s equally as important for us to realize that God actually calls people to have “normal” lives and “normal” jobs in “comfortable” cities in the U.S. Where their mission field is not a tiny village in the jungle or secret underground churches of an Asian city, but the street they live in, or the floor they work on. Ya know? I’ve struggled with it in the past because I always perceived it as the “spiritually strong” people who got called to be missionaries—like if you weren’t called to be a missionary it was because you weren’t strong enough. And I always wanted to be that. But it’s just a matter of where God is calling you. There are just as many unsaved people wasting away their lives in the suburbs of America as there are in the ravages of third-world countries. And maybe it is an issue of comfort. But I’ve come to accept while being here that missions abroad is not where my life is headed. Granted short term mission trips are fine, but full-time…it’s just not for me. Since being here, for the first time in my life I’m actually extremely ok with the idea of just being a teacher or even working as a translator for some business. I’m ok with the idea of having a “normal” life. I just don’t have what it takes to live abroad for long periods of time. I think the Lord brought me here to come to that realization. I always made it out to be much more romantic that it is. I needed to get over it and realize that that’s not what He’s got planned for my life.

So folks, I’m dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, but I will be continuing my studies here in Chihuahua for the last 4 weeks of my time here, and will hopefully be fluent when I return home one month from today. After all…that was my main goal in coming here.

Wish I had more computer time....

So today I don't feel very well...that's what I get for spending my weekend in an orphanage with 120, smelly, dirty, wildly rambunctious, but loving kids.

I went to Lirio de las Valles early Friday morning and returned late in the afternoon on Saturday. When I came home I was EXHAUSTED and after showering immediately, I collapsed on my bed and slept for 2 hours quite solidly.

The orphanage was a big yellow, blue, and orange building out in the middle of real Mexico. Surrounded by mountains and miles and miles of orange dirt and scraggly, dried-up bushes, it is home to 120 kids from 3-18, 4 dogs, 4 goats, 5 gigantic pigs, and a cat. To my surprise, it was extremely clean, although in the evening (I slept on a bunk bed in a room with 40 of the youngest girls) I thought I'd never be able to get used to how rank it smelled. It seemed all the kids were extremely rough, which is understandable, but all extremely outgoing and loved me the second I stepped foot in the place. It felt a lot like camp to be honest, just a lot less structured, and with the kids doing all the work instead of the "counselors." There are 2 American girls working there for 6 months, Lauren and Mary Ellen. They're 24 and we got along really well. It was really nice to talk to someone my age in English. It was wonderful really. And I'm pretty sure I talked their ears off. During the afternoon on Saturday we spent about an hour trying to rid their closet of cockroaches. Yeah...it was pretty sick, but I had a lot of fun laughing and screaming with them. We got up at 6 on Saturday morning (which was "sleeping in"--normally they get up at 4:15) and I hung out with a lot of kids throughout my weekend there, had a few play with my hair, and after that I was pretty sure I had lice and would never be able to get a brush through my hair again. It was fun, and I fit right in. I was able to communicate with the kids perfectly and it was really encouraging. Right before I left on Saturday, a 15-year old girl randomly told me I have a Mexican accent. What a huge compliment! Seriously...

On Friday night, as I lay in the oldest, tiniest top bunk ever, I prayed real hard. The whole time I was there I felt such a feeling of right-ness. I don't know how to explain it. It's not like I had an amazing time or had tons of fun or anything, but I felt strangely drawn to that place. After a day, my heart was already breaking for those kids. It just felt like I was supposed to be there. And despite how rank it smelled and how many germs cover that place and how I couldn't ever stay clean, and how exhausted I was, I wanted to stay there.

I talked to Greg on the way out to the orphanage and apparently I'm at this awkward point in my semester where they don't really have anything left to teach me...and they don't really know what to do with me for the rest of the semester. As you can tell where this is heading...I'm thinking about going out to serve at the orphanage for the rest of the semester. My biggest goal/reason I wanted to come to Mexico was to serve in an orphanage. And spending my last 5 weeks out there would definitely satisfy that. I'm a little torn because I absolutely ADORE the family I'm with now. But let's face it...I'm real bored and REAL tired of being here at school and doing the same thing day in and day out. I'm more than ready to go home. But I can't for another 6 weeks. So...I'm praying for the orphanage--despite how breaking I know it will be.

My favorite little girl, Karely (half the girls have their heads shaved from a lice outbreak they had):
Their bus:
One of the girls rooms, getting ready in the morning:
Me and Ana, the most helpful, mature 10-year-old ever. Loved her.
Lauren and Jacqueline. The youngest girl, and quite possibly the cutest:
A bunch of the kids outside looking at pictures on Lauren's camera:
Andrea, the second youngest girl, the poster child for I-need-a-home:
Me and Ramon. Super super sweet challenged kid.
Me with a bunch of the kids.
The orphanage:
Hopefully you'll hear about more.

Red Head again??

So my "house mom" does hair (a fantastic plus to living in their house) and so on Monday night I went back to being a redhead.

Before (with Senora Salinas):After:
So that's fun. In other news, I went to Cuauhtemoc on Saturday (a city an hour and a half south of here) for Mennonite pizza. Unfortunately, it wasn't really worth the drive for how much it was talked up but whatev. It was a fun trip anyway. With Eva and 3 of her friends.

Eva and I have been walking/running every night in La Deportiva (it's basically like the Central Park of Chihuahua) and Tuesday night we got "Sabrosas!" yelled at us by the entire boy's soccer team from the University here as they ran past us. That literally means flavorful...just so you know. I won't lie...we liked it.

Last night was Halloween, but you never would've known it here. Except I did get pegged in the side with an egg last night as I was ordering from an Elotes stand on the side of the road. Apparently Halloween night in Mexico means let's all drive around like crazy people and throw eggs at innocent bystanders. It was really swell.

Tomorrow I'm finally going to the orphanage. I'm kind of scared...but it'll be good.

Next weekend I'm hoping to go to Parral (a city 3 hours south of here) next weekend to see Kristen Olsen. That'll be good to see someone from home. :D

And the NEXT weekend I'm going to El Paso with the fam for Christmas shopping!!!!!!!! I love Christmas! And I love El Paso because that means I can use my cell phone!! Yay!

So....if you can't tell, I'm really not in a writing mood so I'll try to update more later. Bye!

Winter in Mexico??

So I woke up on Monday morning to a sunny, but windy and FREEZING cold day. On Sunday afternoon I was wearing shorts and tank top and practically sweating. On Monday morning as I walked to the bus stop underdressed, I got hives on my hands and ears. Love ya, cold allergy!! I was wearing jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt and would have enjoyed a scarf or some gloves, but it wasn't cold enough to be wearing your winter coat. Mexico on the other hand, disagrees. I chuckled a little as I boarded the bus and saw almost every person bundled up in winter coats with scarves and gloves and the like. Mexico does not know how to handle winter. It was huge talk all day that it had hailed in Juarez. Seriously though?

I slept the hardest I've slept this entire semester (love ya, crappy Mexican mattresses!) on Monday night because I was in sweats and had like 3 thick, heavy blankets on top of me. It was wonderful. It stayed cold all day Monday and got even colder during the night (4 degrees Celsius--whatever that translates to in Fahrenheit) and yesterday was cool all day too. I thought I'd make like a Mexican and dress warmly but it was just too much. I felt ridiculous in all those clothes for such little cold.

I love the cold. It felt so good to come to school bundled up and sit down and have a hot cup of coffee. Mmmm...and then Monday night when it was freezing I went home and Eva and I made Chai tea and toast and we were all bundled up in blankets. It was fantastic.

Sadly, it's starting to warm up again. This is the closest to any season other than summer I've seen the whole time I've been here. It's really refreshing. It was kinda nice to break out in hives for the first time of the season. Haha...yeah right.

PACKAGE!!!!

My package finally got here today! I've been waiting for it for a MONTH!!!! And Greg got stopped at the border and had to pay $37 for it...freak a leak I hate customs. It had 2 books, a new journal (the one I wanted from Barnes and Noble!), headbands, fruit smiles, a bunch of shirts I wanted from home, pictures, cards, Diet Dr. Pepper, my favorite gum, blistex, gifts for the Portillo's, and TONS of snack food. YAY!!!!! It's like Christmas!

My mom said on the phone this evening, “You sound like a different person. You sound like yourself. You weren’t yourself at that other place because you had so much stress. You sound relaxed and sane like normal.” It’s true. I feel like I just got here, to Mexico that is. Like I was somewhere completely different the first half of the semester. THIS is what I was expecting all along. I’m so comfortable here and my Spanish is already advancing so much. It’s amazing. Thank you Lord for meeting all my needs.

P.S. (I don't know why this font is different...) If you’ve never been to The Village Church or if you don’t live in the FlowerPlex and have never listened to one of Matt Chandler’s sermons on iTunes (free podcasts by the way), I strongly suggest trying it out. As faithful as I am to my Crossroads Bible Church, Matt Chandler is an amazing preacher. Kirena actually found the Village’s free podcast on iTunes about a week after I got here and I’ve downloaded all 150-something of them (one from every Sunday since May 15, 2005). Honestly, they’re really keeping me going lately. They’re amazing because they really are deep, meaty sermons on things that need to be preached about, they’re filled with scripture, and Matt Chandler is hilarious so they’re truly entertaining as well. I didn’t actually listen to one until last Sunday when I didn’t have a church to go to and so I had my own little “service” in my prison cell at the Apodacas. It was like…suddenly my eyes were opened. It felt like it was the first time I’d been to church in months. Cuz let’s face it, all the churches I’ve been to here, the pastors talk way to fast for me to understand everything so I usually end up just tuning out. And I was at camp the whole summer so I really haven’t been to church where I could learn and grow since May. But even then (sorry faithful New Heights and Crossroads lovers), the churches I go to in Arkansas and in Texas don’t give me HALF of what these free Village sermons online do. And they’re ALWAYS exactly what I need- even when I just close my eyes and randomly click on one (thank you Jesus for meeting my daily needs by speaking to me through those sermons…) They’re truly amazing—and about every topic you can think of. Seriously—check them out. I can’t wait til I can actually ATTEND the Village on December 16^th. Sorry Crossroads, I’ve officially switched over.

Seriously though...

I cannot believe how amazing my new house is. A total blessing from the Lord. They’re perfect. I’ve been here for 10 hours and already I feel way more comfortable here than I ever did with the Portillos or especially the Apodacas. It’s incredible. Honestly…it feels like the Solow’s. And we all know how much I love the Solow’s… Hermana Eva is soo amazingly sweet and talkative. I love it. It makes me talk which is what I need. As soon as I arrived, she served me lunch and then sat down and asked me what I like to eat and began making a list. She even asked me what brands I like of things and everything. And her food is amazing. She said she hates cooking anything with fat in it and she only likes chicken and fish. PERFECT! When her husband came home he was extremely friendly and immediately began asking me questions about my life. After dinner, we all went to the grocery store to buy the things she’d written on her list. Amazing. They kept reiterating over and over—“This is your house, we want you to be comfortable, we’re glad to have you here, etc…” So amazing. I did my laundry this afternoon and took a nap after I started the washer and shortly after I woke up, I was on the phone with my parents and she walked in with all my laundry in her arms, folded. Again…amazing. Then tonight their younger daughter, Sofia, who’s married came over with her husband and we all watched their wedding video and ate pizza. It was so fun because I felt so comfortable with all of them so I was able to talk fluidly without being nervous or intimidated. It’s amazing how much I actually can speak when I feel comfortable. Seriously. It was funny because on the way to the grocery store I was saying that I can read and write and understand Spanish easily, but speaking it is the hardest. And they started laughing because apparently I had formed my sentences perfectly. They were saying—it sounds like your speaking is fantastic because your sentences are conjugated and formed perfectly; your grammar is perfect! It was really really encouraging. I’ve never had anyone tell me that before. And at lunch today was probably my first legit conversation that I’ve ever actually maintained for longer than like 5 or 10 minutes. It was amazing. All the sudden I just feel like my Spanish is sky-rocketing. Praise be to the Lord! He gives me grace where I don’t deserve it. The last 3 weeks were hell, but tomorrow marks the exact half-way mark of my Mexican journey. I’m going to dedicate the second half to starting anew. I’m better friends with this family already than I am with anyone else I’ve met so far. They’re so warm and open. THIS is what I was expecting all along. I don’t feel alone; I feel loved. Que bueno!

I’m looking forward to going right to sleep tonight instead of spending an hour not being able to sleep because I’m scared for my safety…

And tomorrow morning Hermana is going to make me pancakes! I love this family. Being here makes me feel so much more confident about EVERYTHING. I even said hi to a stranger tonight. I don’t do that! I’m not even scared about taking the bus 4 times a day because I’m so comfortable here. And just the way my speaking is improving already…all because I’m comfortable.

Quien sabia?

“Esten siempre alegres, oren sin cesar, den garcias a Dios en toda situacion, porque esta es su voluntad para ustedes en Cristo Jesus.”
-1 Tesalonicenses 5:16-18

“Hermanos mios, considerense muy dichosos cuando tengan que enfrentarse con diversas pruebas, pues ya saben que la prueba de su fe produce constancia.”
-Santiago 1:2-3

“Ahora bien, sabemos que Dios dispone todas las cosas para el bien de quienes lo aman, los que han sido llamados de acuerdo con su proposito.”
-Romanos 8:28

YAY

Praise the Lord. I'm moving today! I'm really really really excited. I'm moving back to the first neighborhood I lived in, which is definitely nicer and safer. Hopefully there'll be a dryer and a closet to put my stuff in.

Soo...I don't really have anything else to say...so here are some pictures!


That's right folks...that's most of my clothes hanging out to dry...because there's no dryer...
At ExpoGan...it's like a big stock show.
Random pony running around loose...
At the rodeo...I like the shadows of the cowboy hats.
Me with a really creepy looking cow....I was a bit scared I won't lie.
The walk to school from the Apodaca's. My school is WAY beyong that giant church in the background...
My school's street.
The horse parade...only in Mexico...

My wall of photos at the Apodaca's.
The Mexican Beatles cover band....this is when they were singing "Love is all you need."
Me and Sonia up in a tower in El Palomar before the concert.
Cafeina concert at the Cathedral.
The best hamburger I've ever eaten in my life. For only $1.60
Judit, Me, and her sister Sarai at the Cafeina concert.

Praise the Lord. I'm moving today! I'm really really really excited. I'm moving back to the first neighborhood I lived in, which is definitely nicer and safer. Hopefully there'll be a dryer and a closet to put my stuff in.

Soo...I don't really have anything else to say...so here are some pictures!

Oh.

On a side note, I went to a rodeo yesterday.

And I learned how to say "big deal!" in Spanish today.

So here's what's going down...

I want to move. Really bad. I had the worst weekend of my life. I did absolutely NOTHING on Saturday and sat in my little jail cell of an room the entire day. Everyone always says, “Hey call me if you need anything, I don’t want you to be bored or lonely”…but whenever I do, they either don’t answer, can’t come get me, or are busy. I don’t blame them…they have their own lives…they shouldn’t have to babysit the little American girl with no friends and absolutely nothing to do. Usually I’m fine when left to my own devices…but here…I have no devices. I don’t have a car…I don’t have other students in the same boat as me that I could hang out and do nothing with. Weekends kill me. Never before have I woken up on a Sunday morning and thought to myself, “Yes. Tomorrow is Monday…I get to go to school…” And it’s not because I necessarily love my school…although it’s not that bad, but mainly just because it’s something to do. Consistent. Everyday from 9-6:30.

Guess what- I can deal with a weird washing machine and no dryer. I can deal with hang-drying my clothes. I can deal with hand-washing what feels like thousands of dishes. I can deal with ants on the floor and in my box of cereal. I can deal with a broken toilet that I have to reach my hand in the tank and pull the broken chain to flush every time. I can deal with the most uncomfortable bed I’ve ever slept on in my whole life. I can deal with being scared and praying for safety every night before I go to sleep and every morning as I venture out to walk to school. I can deal with no air conditioning and a fan that ticks so loudly that sometimes I think it’s going to drive me insane. I can deal with all that.

What I can’t deal with is no food to eat- ever- except during the rare lunches I eat at home (this morning I opened the fridge to look for something to eat for breakfast and as I did, Marisela my “host mom” said, “Uh-oh…” I realized why when I saw that the fridge was completely empty—save for a few carrots and almost empty Tupperware containers with leftovers from 3 days ago—no eggs, no yogurt, no fruit, no milk. And then she just stared at me as I poured some Trix into Ziploc baggie and walked out the front door.) I have had one too many tortillas with PB and J. Their bread is bad, there’s no lunch meat, they ate the cheese that I bought last week—and the leftover grapes and plums I’d bought for to go breakfasts on my way to school. I can’t deal with that. They get paid to house me—I expect a lot more.

What I can’t deal with is absolutely no interaction. I mean…the name of my school is Interaction! And I’m not having any! My “family” doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask me about my life, doesn’t invite me anywhere with them (I didn’t even have anyone to go to church with yesterday…thanks to free podcasts from the Village Church in Flower Mound, I had my own little service in my room). I’ve eaten 2 meals with them. And usually when I am in the house…I feel so awkward because no one says anything so I usually just run out of the room. I got chastised for using the phone to talk to my parents the other day, and chastised more than once for trying to take the key out of the door to my “apartment.” Why even freaking have a key if you can’t take it with you?!

And yeah…I’ve tried…I bought my own food, and they ate it. I’ve started every miniature conversation that has ever occurred, I receive short answers to the questions I ask, with no questions in return. Half the time I want to ask, “Why the hell did you offer to host somebody??” Basically…I’ve gotten used to what I can get used to … but being lonely all the time and not feeling welcome is something I’ll never get used to.

I was upset last night because I’ve been here for 7 weeks, and I’m still not involved. I’ve been here for 7 weeks and I had nothing to do this weekend. I hate the idea of talking to Greg about all this because I don’t want to be the failure. The program’s failure. Every other student comes here and has no problem getting involved and finding friends and having a grand old time. It’s been 7 weeks and I’m still not happy…I still want to go home. But while I on the phone with my mom, she made a good point. It’s not my fault. I’ve been trying. I got put in a crappy house. I got the ok to come on down here, even though I’m the only student—bad idea if you ask me.

I believe God can turn this around. I believe God can give me a rainbow at the end of the storm. I also believe that God can continue to make this harder for me so I will continually be forced to grab his hand. It’s when you’re stripped of everything you think you need that you realize that all you really need is God.

Big deal!

-they don't have fall in Mexico. it's still 95 degrees here everyday..and i'm in the freaking mountains!

-i haven't seen a spider here the entire 6 weeks i've been here. not one.

-i've watched 12 movies in the past week.

-on saturday night i went to a concert performed by a mexican Beatles cover band. and they were actually pretty good...we all belted the lyrics to All You Need is Love and Hey Jude and waved our arms and it was good. afterwards, sonia and i rolled down a MASSIVE hill that we had to climb up to go to the concert. we each got about 3 thousand tiny stickers all over us, but it was worth it because it might have been the hardest i've laughed since i've been here.

-i'm going to the VIP movies tomorrow. yay.

Simply and Slowly

On another note, I'm learning to live simply and slowly here in Mexico. I got home from school today around 7:00 and took a shower and sat on my bed and wrote until now while listening to the radio. They played Lifehouse, Bon Jovi, and Radiohead and it was good. At around 8:20, I went inside and made myself dinner, washed my own dishes, washed some grapes and found a bowl to put them in. I sat at the table and ate by myself. In quiet. Only the hum of the fan overhead and the murmur of the tv in the next room. Then I came back and kept writing. I'm going to go to bed at 10. And walk to school in the morning. No internet. No cell phone. No TV. I'm getting used to this. I have time to sit and relax and reflect. In quiet. Without distractions. And it's kind of nice. I've stopped freaking out about not being busy, and I'm taking the opportunity to learn to live simply and slowly. I kind of like it. What?!?

I think I'll read until it's time to go to bed. I can't believe how ok I am with this...and how I actually kind of like it. (??) Thanks God!

Growing more comfortable with this experience day by day (I think...),
Heather

Things I'm really looking forward to:

(as you can tell, memories and hopes keep me going down here...)
-the Great Reunion in January. It's been 5 months since we've all been together. 3 months to go. That day is going to be so freaking amazing.
-(Hopefully) living off-campus in the spring. Either in the Dupes with Eliz and Emily or really off-campus in an apartment with Kirena.
-Living with Kirena again in the future (hopefully the near future...). Let's face it...we're the perfect roommates. Basically. and everyone knows us as a pair at JBU. It just works ok?? And maybe I love it. A lot. I can't wait to have our own apartment. :) After we graduate, we might have to follow each other to wherever the other one ends up- whoever gets a job first (probably Kirena- considering I don't even know what I want to do yet...). And we'll live together. Forever. Well...until one of us gets married. Haha...hope this plan's ok, Kirena!
-All of us reuniting with the Luna in the spring. God-willing...if Jake takes good care of it this fall that is...
-Me, Kirena, Katie, Emily, and Elizabeth having our emotional (cue Elizabeth), candlelit reunion ceremony in January.
-Guatemala for Spring Break. With Kirena. :D
-Fun trips with fun friends in the future. Whenever, wherever!
-Living/working in Canada next summer. Big deal! I have citizenship!
-Christmas at my house. And appreciating my big bed and closet (don't have one here), dishwasher, washer and dryer, my mother cooking for me, my car, Starbucks, etc. :D
-Going to the Solow's on Christmas. Always my 2nd favorite house/family during the holidays. :)
-Evan, Kirena, and I being together again.
-Friends. Lots of them. All the time.

:D

Things I really miss:

-my car- seriously. I haven't driven in 44 days.
-driving around on nice evenings in Dallas or NWA with windows down and music blaring- by myself, singing along of course- at sunset. with my hair down and blowing in my face. :D
-my entire sophomore year of college. and everyone that was involved to make it the best school year of my life.
-fall. and the pumpkin patch. and leaves. and when the air turns crisp. and taking pictures of it all.
-living in Mayfield with all my closest friends.
-staying up til 3 on a Friday night doing nothing but searching for and downloading old 90's songs on iTunes with Kirena.
-tanning and drinking Paris Hilton with Alex.
-having no class on Tues or Thurs and laying out on the quad with Evan, or playing in the snow with Kirena and Kendra, or driving to Rogers with Alex for Starbucks and shopping. Or just sleeping in my dark rm. 166 on nasty days.
-Kidd Kraddick in the morning (now in NWA on 105.7!)
-Kirena's old house (the first one). and driving through the heavy snow in February in Alex's car to do our laundry there. while it snowed 8 inches outside. while we watched the Hills and Next on MTV. and folded our warm laundry on Kirena's bed. and I think I remember Alex dancing...probably.
-how calm and quiet Siloam is when covered in snow.
-stealing trays from the caf to use for sledding (2 years running, baby!)
-the hill behind the Polard's house for said sledding.
-late night trampoline excursions at the townhouses.
-midnight McDonald's runs with Kirena, Elizabeth, and crew.
-homework? yeah I said it. I miss being busy...
-chapel at JBU. and the way they do that cheesy raise-the-blinds-and-let-the-light-in thing at the climax of an emotional song. so dramatic...
-my house at Christmas time.
-driving to Dallas for an amazing 4-day birthday weekend with Kirena, Evan, and Ty.
-La Huerta...all the time.
-choir.
-living with all my friends.
-parking in the chapel speaker spot all the time and getting messages on my phone from angry campus security.
-watching LOST in my room every Wednesday at 8:00. speaking of which...Daddy are you tivo-ing that??
-Christmas decorations in Mayfield. and my tiny Christmas tree in my room. and taking ridiculous Christmas pictures around campus with Kirena.
-12:45 lunch with EVERYBODY in the caf on Tues and Thurs.
-on the fly photography excursions with Alex. whenever the conditions were right.
-backpacking on the Buffalo...and rescuing a man that fell out of his canoe...
-caving at Devil's Den.
-Chili's with the Emily's.
-the drive from Siloam to Fayetteville on Hwy 16.
-church with Em.
-going home to Dallas and feeling rich- just because it's Dallas...not because I am.
-Galleria 06. Galleria 07?? Emily? Robbie?
-LNS-ing with Elizabeth.
-nap time with Cory.
-climbing trees in the quad.
-eating dessert and Diet Pepsi with Camille at my house in FloMo.
-my dishwasher- I've never hand-washed so many dishes in my whole life- even in my 2 years living in Mayfield. NO ONE has a dishwasher here...again...learning to do things for myself.
-a working washer and dryer within reach- this house doesn't have a dryer...that's fun.
-Starbucks. and Barnes and Noble...
-laying out. Mayfield Beach style...
-my amazing, crazy weird, totally one-of-a-kind friends that make my life as fun and funny as it is...

Yuck...here goes vulnerable again...this is what life inside my head is like.

Ugh. I’m tired of thinking so much. I don’t even know what I feel about this trip anymore. I just know I hate thinking so much. And writing a down-wanna-go-home post and next day writing a I’m-better-God’s-teaching-me-this post. I just wish I could let go and have fun. For God’s sake I’m studying abroad in Mexico. I should be having fun. I should have stories to tell. But I’m not. And I don’t. And I don’t know what needs to change. Yeah I think God’s teaching me things here, but I don’t think this is gonna be life-changing. I really hope I’m less selfish and can do more things for myself when I get home—like dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. And I hope I appreciate my huge house in Flower Mound and my car to take me everywhere. But by no means has this 6 weeks been life-changing. Let’s face it. I’m just bored. I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster. I wish I could be like Emily Gilbert (sorry if this is awkward that you're in my blog...) and just live places and make friends and always be myself and be crazy and fun and have an amazing time. She can always be herself, and people love it. I admire that a lot. I haven’t been myself here the whole 6 weeks I’ve been here. I’ve really been trying to be more confident and just let go. But it’s not working.

The more I meet people and make friends around here, the more I realize how unique and truly AMAZING my friends are back in Arkansas. Shoot there is NO ONE quite like Elizabeth or Emily or Katie or Alex or Kirena or Luke. I haven’t met anyone with our sense of humor. I freaking love them so much and being here makes me realize how freaking fortunate I am to have them.

And the more I hang out with people’s families and in people’s houses the more I realize how much I LOVE my parents and our house. Seriously…it’s just so comfortable. Gosh I love my life at home.

Of course…the grass is always greener on the other side. Why can’t this be as cool as I thought it would be? I’m not learning Spanish as fast or as well as I thought I would, I’m not traveling or having any unique Mexican experiences, I’m not working with orphanages or the transition home (mainly because of my self-consciousness about my Spanish and my frustration with having to use it). Ugh. I pictured myself being so laid-back and chill and go with the flow. But nothing’s going with my flow and so it’s weird. I hate that I can’t just be like Emily and love life wherever I am. But she had an advantage in California this summer and in Ireland. Friends. Her age. In the same boat as her. She lived with 11 other people who were all interns at TOMS from all over the country, doing the same thing she was…wanting to explore SoCal and live it up while they could. And in Ireland…I mean she’s with Lizzy, Luke, Alex, and Jeran. All her best friends are there with her. They’re all exploring, living, studying TOGETHER. I have nobody here. My friends are Mexicans—with their own lives. It’s so much different when you’re by yourself.

I just wish so badly that I was one of those super-confident, outgoing people that could walk into a room knowing nobody and within minutes have a bunch of friends and have half the room saying, “Yeah I just met her…she’s pretty cool…” Even in a different language. I can speak well enough for small talk. Why can’t I get out of myself? Even in the states I do this. I’ve been struggling with it so much. I’ve been praying for God to just open my shell so I can just let go and start living here. I hate it…it’s SO far outside of my comfort zone…

I’m just so tired of analyzing this trip and trying to simplify my thoughts about it and trying to justify it and make it ok in my head. Gosh…get over it. I’m tired of thinking so much. I just want my semester abroad to be fun, like I and everyone else was expecting it to be. I don’t want it to just be learning Spanish and growing spiritually. But maybe once I accept that…I actually be able to let go and have fun. Gosh this is hard.

Recent Pictures...

1 and 2. pictures from my new accomodations.
3. sunrise from waiting in line for opera tickets.
4. the people who were in line first...they started at 10pm and spent the night there.
5. all the people in line at the theater.
6. the front of my new house.
7. my tiny "apartment" in back.
8 and 9. view from the roof.
10. my stuff...there are no drawers or anything for me to put my stuff...so it's still chillin' on the floor.
11. me and judit at the jazz cafe downtown last thursday night (JB there's your shirt!)
12. diana doing my free nails.
13. diana's salon.
14. my legit, free nails.
15. me and JB at the VIP movies a couple weeks ago. where we got crepes, sushi, cappuccinos, and the movie ticket for only $11. what the crap. why don't we have that in the states?!