Yuck...here goes vulnerable again...this is what life inside my head is like.

Ugh. I’m tired of thinking so much. I don’t even know what I feel about this trip anymore. I just know I hate thinking so much. And writing a down-wanna-go-home post and next day writing a I’m-better-God’s-teaching-me-this post. I just wish I could let go and have fun. For God’s sake I’m studying abroad in Mexico. I should be having fun. I should have stories to tell. But I’m not. And I don’t. And I don’t know what needs to change. Yeah I think God’s teaching me things here, but I don’t think this is gonna be life-changing. I really hope I’m less selfish and can do more things for myself when I get home—like dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. And I hope I appreciate my huge house in Flower Mound and my car to take me everywhere. But by no means has this 6 weeks been life-changing. Let’s face it. I’m just bored. I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster. I wish I could be like Emily Gilbert (sorry if this is awkward that you're in my blog...) and just live places and make friends and always be myself and be crazy and fun and have an amazing time. She can always be herself, and people love it. I admire that a lot. I haven’t been myself here the whole 6 weeks I’ve been here. I’ve really been trying to be more confident and just let go. But it’s not working.

The more I meet people and make friends around here, the more I realize how unique and truly AMAZING my friends are back in Arkansas. Shoot there is NO ONE quite like Elizabeth or Emily or Katie or Alex or Kirena or Luke. I haven’t met anyone with our sense of humor. I freaking love them so much and being here makes me realize how freaking fortunate I am to have them.

And the more I hang out with people’s families and in people’s houses the more I realize how much I LOVE my parents and our house. Seriously…it’s just so comfortable. Gosh I love my life at home.

Of course…the grass is always greener on the other side. Why can’t this be as cool as I thought it would be? I’m not learning Spanish as fast or as well as I thought I would, I’m not traveling or having any unique Mexican experiences, I’m not working with orphanages or the transition home (mainly because of my self-consciousness about my Spanish and my frustration with having to use it). Ugh. I pictured myself being so laid-back and chill and go with the flow. But nothing’s going with my flow and so it’s weird. I hate that I can’t just be like Emily and love life wherever I am. But she had an advantage in California this summer and in Ireland. Friends. Her age. In the same boat as her. She lived with 11 other people who were all interns at TOMS from all over the country, doing the same thing she was…wanting to explore SoCal and live it up while they could. And in Ireland…I mean she’s with Lizzy, Luke, Alex, and Jeran. All her best friends are there with her. They’re all exploring, living, studying TOGETHER. I have nobody here. My friends are Mexicans—with their own lives. It’s so much different when you’re by yourself.

I just wish so badly that I was one of those super-confident, outgoing people that could walk into a room knowing nobody and within minutes have a bunch of friends and have half the room saying, “Yeah I just met her…she’s pretty cool…” Even in a different language. I can speak well enough for small talk. Why can’t I get out of myself? Even in the states I do this. I’ve been struggling with it so much. I’ve been praying for God to just open my shell so I can just let go and start living here. I hate it…it’s SO far outside of my comfort zone…

I’m just so tired of analyzing this trip and trying to simplify my thoughts about it and trying to justify it and make it ok in my head. Gosh…get over it. I’m tired of thinking so much. I just want my semester abroad to be fun, like I and everyone else was expecting it to be. I don’t want it to just be learning Spanish and growing spiritually. But maybe once I accept that…I actually be able to let go and have fun. Gosh this is hard.