Winter in Mexico??

So I woke up on Monday morning to a sunny, but windy and FREEZING cold day. On Sunday afternoon I was wearing shorts and tank top and practically sweating. On Monday morning as I walked to the bus stop underdressed, I got hives on my hands and ears. Love ya, cold allergy!! I was wearing jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt and would have enjoyed a scarf or some gloves, but it wasn't cold enough to be wearing your winter coat. Mexico on the other hand, disagrees. I chuckled a little as I boarded the bus and saw almost every person bundled up in winter coats with scarves and gloves and the like. Mexico does not know how to handle winter. It was huge talk all day that it had hailed in Juarez. Seriously though?

I slept the hardest I've slept this entire semester (love ya, crappy Mexican mattresses!) on Monday night because I was in sweats and had like 3 thick, heavy blankets on top of me. It was wonderful. It stayed cold all day Monday and got even colder during the night (4 degrees Celsius--whatever that translates to in Fahrenheit) and yesterday was cool all day too. I thought I'd make like a Mexican and dress warmly but it was just too much. I felt ridiculous in all those clothes for such little cold.

I love the cold. It felt so good to come to school bundled up and sit down and have a hot cup of coffee. Mmmm...and then Monday night when it was freezing I went home and Eva and I made Chai tea and toast and we were all bundled up in blankets. It was fantastic.

Sadly, it's starting to warm up again. This is the closest to any season other than summer I've seen the whole time I've been here. It's really refreshing. It was kinda nice to break out in hives for the first time of the season. Haha...yeah right.

PACKAGE!!!!

My package finally got here today! I've been waiting for it for a MONTH!!!! And Greg got stopped at the border and had to pay $37 for it...freak a leak I hate customs. It had 2 books, a new journal (the one I wanted from Barnes and Noble!), headbands, fruit smiles, a bunch of shirts I wanted from home, pictures, cards, Diet Dr. Pepper, my favorite gum, blistex, gifts for the Portillo's, and TONS of snack food. YAY!!!!! It's like Christmas!

My mom said on the phone this evening, “You sound like a different person. You sound like yourself. You weren’t yourself at that other place because you had so much stress. You sound relaxed and sane like normal.” It’s true. I feel like I just got here, to Mexico that is. Like I was somewhere completely different the first half of the semester. THIS is what I was expecting all along. I’m so comfortable here and my Spanish is already advancing so much. It’s amazing. Thank you Lord for meeting all my needs.

P.S. (I don't know why this font is different...) If you’ve never been to The Village Church or if you don’t live in the FlowerPlex and have never listened to one of Matt Chandler’s sermons on iTunes (free podcasts by the way), I strongly suggest trying it out. As faithful as I am to my Crossroads Bible Church, Matt Chandler is an amazing preacher. Kirena actually found the Village’s free podcast on iTunes about a week after I got here and I’ve downloaded all 150-something of them (one from every Sunday since May 15, 2005). Honestly, they’re really keeping me going lately. They’re amazing because they really are deep, meaty sermons on things that need to be preached about, they’re filled with scripture, and Matt Chandler is hilarious so they’re truly entertaining as well. I didn’t actually listen to one until last Sunday when I didn’t have a church to go to and so I had my own little “service” in my prison cell at the Apodacas. It was like…suddenly my eyes were opened. It felt like it was the first time I’d been to church in months. Cuz let’s face it, all the churches I’ve been to here, the pastors talk way to fast for me to understand everything so I usually end up just tuning out. And I was at camp the whole summer so I really haven’t been to church where I could learn and grow since May. But even then (sorry faithful New Heights and Crossroads lovers), the churches I go to in Arkansas and in Texas don’t give me HALF of what these free Village sermons online do. And they’re ALWAYS exactly what I need- even when I just close my eyes and randomly click on one (thank you Jesus for meeting my daily needs by speaking to me through those sermons…) They’re truly amazing—and about every topic you can think of. Seriously—check them out. I can’t wait til I can actually ATTEND the Village on December 16^th. Sorry Crossroads, I’ve officially switched over.

Seriously though...

I cannot believe how amazing my new house is. A total blessing from the Lord. They’re perfect. I’ve been here for 10 hours and already I feel way more comfortable here than I ever did with the Portillos or especially the Apodacas. It’s incredible. Honestly…it feels like the Solow’s. And we all know how much I love the Solow’s… Hermana Eva is soo amazingly sweet and talkative. I love it. It makes me talk which is what I need. As soon as I arrived, she served me lunch and then sat down and asked me what I like to eat and began making a list. She even asked me what brands I like of things and everything. And her food is amazing. She said she hates cooking anything with fat in it and she only likes chicken and fish. PERFECT! When her husband came home he was extremely friendly and immediately began asking me questions about my life. After dinner, we all went to the grocery store to buy the things she’d written on her list. Amazing. They kept reiterating over and over—“This is your house, we want you to be comfortable, we’re glad to have you here, etc…” So amazing. I did my laundry this afternoon and took a nap after I started the washer and shortly after I woke up, I was on the phone with my parents and she walked in with all my laundry in her arms, folded. Again…amazing. Then tonight their younger daughter, Sofia, who’s married came over with her husband and we all watched their wedding video and ate pizza. It was so fun because I felt so comfortable with all of them so I was able to talk fluidly without being nervous or intimidated. It’s amazing how much I actually can speak when I feel comfortable. Seriously. It was funny because on the way to the grocery store I was saying that I can read and write and understand Spanish easily, but speaking it is the hardest. And they started laughing because apparently I had formed my sentences perfectly. They were saying—it sounds like your speaking is fantastic because your sentences are conjugated and formed perfectly; your grammar is perfect! It was really really encouraging. I’ve never had anyone tell me that before. And at lunch today was probably my first legit conversation that I’ve ever actually maintained for longer than like 5 or 10 minutes. It was amazing. All the sudden I just feel like my Spanish is sky-rocketing. Praise be to the Lord! He gives me grace where I don’t deserve it. The last 3 weeks were hell, but tomorrow marks the exact half-way mark of my Mexican journey. I’m going to dedicate the second half to starting anew. I’m better friends with this family already than I am with anyone else I’ve met so far. They’re so warm and open. THIS is what I was expecting all along. I don’t feel alone; I feel loved. Que bueno!

I’m looking forward to going right to sleep tonight instead of spending an hour not being able to sleep because I’m scared for my safety…

And tomorrow morning Hermana is going to make me pancakes! I love this family. Being here makes me feel so much more confident about EVERYTHING. I even said hi to a stranger tonight. I don’t do that! I’m not even scared about taking the bus 4 times a day because I’m so comfortable here. And just the way my speaking is improving already…all because I’m comfortable.

Quien sabia?

“Esten siempre alegres, oren sin cesar, den garcias a Dios en toda situacion, porque esta es su voluntad para ustedes en Cristo Jesus.”
-1 Tesalonicenses 5:16-18

“Hermanos mios, considerense muy dichosos cuando tengan que enfrentarse con diversas pruebas, pues ya saben que la prueba de su fe produce constancia.”
-Santiago 1:2-3

“Ahora bien, sabemos que Dios dispone todas las cosas para el bien de quienes lo aman, los que han sido llamados de acuerdo con su proposito.”
-Romanos 8:28

YAY

Praise the Lord. I'm moving today! I'm really really really excited. I'm moving back to the first neighborhood I lived in, which is definitely nicer and safer. Hopefully there'll be a dryer and a closet to put my stuff in.

Soo...I don't really have anything else to say...so here are some pictures!


That's right folks...that's most of my clothes hanging out to dry...because there's no dryer...
At ExpoGan...it's like a big stock show.
Random pony running around loose...
At the rodeo...I like the shadows of the cowboy hats.
Me with a really creepy looking cow....I was a bit scared I won't lie.
The walk to school from the Apodaca's. My school is WAY beyong that giant church in the background...
My school's street.
The horse parade...only in Mexico...

My wall of photos at the Apodaca's.
The Mexican Beatles cover band....this is when they were singing "Love is all you need."
Me and Sonia up in a tower in El Palomar before the concert.
Cafeina concert at the Cathedral.
The best hamburger I've ever eaten in my life. For only $1.60
Judit, Me, and her sister Sarai at the Cafeina concert.

Praise the Lord. I'm moving today! I'm really really really excited. I'm moving back to the first neighborhood I lived in, which is definitely nicer and safer. Hopefully there'll be a dryer and a closet to put my stuff in.

Soo...I don't really have anything else to say...so here are some pictures!

Oh.

On a side note, I went to a rodeo yesterday.

And I learned how to say "big deal!" in Spanish today.

So here's what's going down...

I want to move. Really bad. I had the worst weekend of my life. I did absolutely NOTHING on Saturday and sat in my little jail cell of an room the entire day. Everyone always says, “Hey call me if you need anything, I don’t want you to be bored or lonely”…but whenever I do, they either don’t answer, can’t come get me, or are busy. I don’t blame them…they have their own lives…they shouldn’t have to babysit the little American girl with no friends and absolutely nothing to do. Usually I’m fine when left to my own devices…but here…I have no devices. I don’t have a car…I don’t have other students in the same boat as me that I could hang out and do nothing with. Weekends kill me. Never before have I woken up on a Sunday morning and thought to myself, “Yes. Tomorrow is Monday…I get to go to school…” And it’s not because I necessarily love my school…although it’s not that bad, but mainly just because it’s something to do. Consistent. Everyday from 9-6:30.

Guess what- I can deal with a weird washing machine and no dryer. I can deal with hang-drying my clothes. I can deal with hand-washing what feels like thousands of dishes. I can deal with ants on the floor and in my box of cereal. I can deal with a broken toilet that I have to reach my hand in the tank and pull the broken chain to flush every time. I can deal with the most uncomfortable bed I’ve ever slept on in my whole life. I can deal with being scared and praying for safety every night before I go to sleep and every morning as I venture out to walk to school. I can deal with no air conditioning and a fan that ticks so loudly that sometimes I think it’s going to drive me insane. I can deal with all that.

What I can’t deal with is no food to eat- ever- except during the rare lunches I eat at home (this morning I opened the fridge to look for something to eat for breakfast and as I did, Marisela my “host mom” said, “Uh-oh…” I realized why when I saw that the fridge was completely empty—save for a few carrots and almost empty Tupperware containers with leftovers from 3 days ago—no eggs, no yogurt, no fruit, no milk. And then she just stared at me as I poured some Trix into Ziploc baggie and walked out the front door.) I have had one too many tortillas with PB and J. Their bread is bad, there’s no lunch meat, they ate the cheese that I bought last week—and the leftover grapes and plums I’d bought for to go breakfasts on my way to school. I can’t deal with that. They get paid to house me—I expect a lot more.

What I can’t deal with is absolutely no interaction. I mean…the name of my school is Interaction! And I’m not having any! My “family” doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask me about my life, doesn’t invite me anywhere with them (I didn’t even have anyone to go to church with yesterday…thanks to free podcasts from the Village Church in Flower Mound, I had my own little service in my room). I’ve eaten 2 meals with them. And usually when I am in the house…I feel so awkward because no one says anything so I usually just run out of the room. I got chastised for using the phone to talk to my parents the other day, and chastised more than once for trying to take the key out of the door to my “apartment.” Why even freaking have a key if you can’t take it with you?!

And yeah…I’ve tried…I bought my own food, and they ate it. I’ve started every miniature conversation that has ever occurred, I receive short answers to the questions I ask, with no questions in return. Half the time I want to ask, “Why the hell did you offer to host somebody??” Basically…I’ve gotten used to what I can get used to … but being lonely all the time and not feeling welcome is something I’ll never get used to.

I was upset last night because I’ve been here for 7 weeks, and I’m still not involved. I’ve been here for 7 weeks and I had nothing to do this weekend. I hate the idea of talking to Greg about all this because I don’t want to be the failure. The program’s failure. Every other student comes here and has no problem getting involved and finding friends and having a grand old time. It’s been 7 weeks and I’m still not happy…I still want to go home. But while I on the phone with my mom, she made a good point. It’s not my fault. I’ve been trying. I got put in a crappy house. I got the ok to come on down here, even though I’m the only student—bad idea if you ask me.

I believe God can turn this around. I believe God can give me a rainbow at the end of the storm. I also believe that God can continue to make this harder for me so I will continually be forced to grab his hand. It’s when you’re stripped of everything you think you need that you realize that all you really need is God.

Big deal!

-they don't have fall in Mexico. it's still 95 degrees here everyday..and i'm in the freaking mountains!

-i haven't seen a spider here the entire 6 weeks i've been here. not one.

-i've watched 12 movies in the past week.

-on saturday night i went to a concert performed by a mexican Beatles cover band. and they were actually pretty good...we all belted the lyrics to All You Need is Love and Hey Jude and waved our arms and it was good. afterwards, sonia and i rolled down a MASSIVE hill that we had to climb up to go to the concert. we each got about 3 thousand tiny stickers all over us, but it was worth it because it might have been the hardest i've laughed since i've been here.

-i'm going to the VIP movies tomorrow. yay.

Simply and Slowly

On another note, I'm learning to live simply and slowly here in Mexico. I got home from school today around 7:00 and took a shower and sat on my bed and wrote until now while listening to the radio. They played Lifehouse, Bon Jovi, and Radiohead and it was good. At around 8:20, I went inside and made myself dinner, washed my own dishes, washed some grapes and found a bowl to put them in. I sat at the table and ate by myself. In quiet. Only the hum of the fan overhead and the murmur of the tv in the next room. Then I came back and kept writing. I'm going to go to bed at 10. And walk to school in the morning. No internet. No cell phone. No TV. I'm getting used to this. I have time to sit and relax and reflect. In quiet. Without distractions. And it's kind of nice. I've stopped freaking out about not being busy, and I'm taking the opportunity to learn to live simply and slowly. I kind of like it. What?!?

I think I'll read until it's time to go to bed. I can't believe how ok I am with this...and how I actually kind of like it. (??) Thanks God!

Growing more comfortable with this experience day by day (I think...),
Heather

Things I'm really looking forward to:

(as you can tell, memories and hopes keep me going down here...)
-the Great Reunion in January. It's been 5 months since we've all been together. 3 months to go. That day is going to be so freaking amazing.
-(Hopefully) living off-campus in the spring. Either in the Dupes with Eliz and Emily or really off-campus in an apartment with Kirena.
-Living with Kirena again in the future (hopefully the near future...). Let's face it...we're the perfect roommates. Basically. and everyone knows us as a pair at JBU. It just works ok?? And maybe I love it. A lot. I can't wait to have our own apartment. :) After we graduate, we might have to follow each other to wherever the other one ends up- whoever gets a job first (probably Kirena- considering I don't even know what I want to do yet...). And we'll live together. Forever. Well...until one of us gets married. Haha...hope this plan's ok, Kirena!
-All of us reuniting with the Luna in the spring. God-willing...if Jake takes good care of it this fall that is...
-Me, Kirena, Katie, Emily, and Elizabeth having our emotional (cue Elizabeth), candlelit reunion ceremony in January.
-Guatemala for Spring Break. With Kirena. :D
-Fun trips with fun friends in the future. Whenever, wherever!
-Living/working in Canada next summer. Big deal! I have citizenship!
-Christmas at my house. And appreciating my big bed and closet (don't have one here), dishwasher, washer and dryer, my mother cooking for me, my car, Starbucks, etc. :D
-Going to the Solow's on Christmas. Always my 2nd favorite house/family during the holidays. :)
-Evan, Kirena, and I being together again.
-Friends. Lots of them. All the time.

:D

Things I really miss:

-my car- seriously. I haven't driven in 44 days.
-driving around on nice evenings in Dallas or NWA with windows down and music blaring- by myself, singing along of course- at sunset. with my hair down and blowing in my face. :D
-my entire sophomore year of college. and everyone that was involved to make it the best school year of my life.
-fall. and the pumpkin patch. and leaves. and when the air turns crisp. and taking pictures of it all.
-living in Mayfield with all my closest friends.
-staying up til 3 on a Friday night doing nothing but searching for and downloading old 90's songs on iTunes with Kirena.
-tanning and drinking Paris Hilton with Alex.
-having no class on Tues or Thurs and laying out on the quad with Evan, or playing in the snow with Kirena and Kendra, or driving to Rogers with Alex for Starbucks and shopping. Or just sleeping in my dark rm. 166 on nasty days.
-Kidd Kraddick in the morning (now in NWA on 105.7!)
-Kirena's old house (the first one). and driving through the heavy snow in February in Alex's car to do our laundry there. while it snowed 8 inches outside. while we watched the Hills and Next on MTV. and folded our warm laundry on Kirena's bed. and I think I remember Alex dancing...probably.
-how calm and quiet Siloam is when covered in snow.
-stealing trays from the caf to use for sledding (2 years running, baby!)
-the hill behind the Polard's house for said sledding.
-late night trampoline excursions at the townhouses.
-midnight McDonald's runs with Kirena, Elizabeth, and crew.
-homework? yeah I said it. I miss being busy...
-chapel at JBU. and the way they do that cheesy raise-the-blinds-and-let-the-light-in thing at the climax of an emotional song. so dramatic...
-my house at Christmas time.
-driving to Dallas for an amazing 4-day birthday weekend with Kirena, Evan, and Ty.
-La Huerta...all the time.
-choir.
-living with all my friends.
-parking in the chapel speaker spot all the time and getting messages on my phone from angry campus security.
-watching LOST in my room every Wednesday at 8:00. speaking of which...Daddy are you tivo-ing that??
-Christmas decorations in Mayfield. and my tiny Christmas tree in my room. and taking ridiculous Christmas pictures around campus with Kirena.
-12:45 lunch with EVERYBODY in the caf on Tues and Thurs.
-on the fly photography excursions with Alex. whenever the conditions were right.
-backpacking on the Buffalo...and rescuing a man that fell out of his canoe...
-caving at Devil's Den.
-Chili's with the Emily's.
-the drive from Siloam to Fayetteville on Hwy 16.
-church with Em.
-going home to Dallas and feeling rich- just because it's Dallas...not because I am.
-Galleria 06. Galleria 07?? Emily? Robbie?
-LNS-ing with Elizabeth.
-nap time with Cory.
-climbing trees in the quad.
-eating dessert and Diet Pepsi with Camille at my house in FloMo.
-my dishwasher- I've never hand-washed so many dishes in my whole life- even in my 2 years living in Mayfield. NO ONE has a dishwasher here...again...learning to do things for myself.
-a working washer and dryer within reach- this house doesn't have a dryer...that's fun.
-Starbucks. and Barnes and Noble...
-laying out. Mayfield Beach style...
-my amazing, crazy weird, totally one-of-a-kind friends that make my life as fun and funny as it is...

Yuck...here goes vulnerable again...this is what life inside my head is like.

Ugh. I’m tired of thinking so much. I don’t even know what I feel about this trip anymore. I just know I hate thinking so much. And writing a down-wanna-go-home post and next day writing a I’m-better-God’s-teaching-me-this post. I just wish I could let go and have fun. For God’s sake I’m studying abroad in Mexico. I should be having fun. I should have stories to tell. But I’m not. And I don’t. And I don’t know what needs to change. Yeah I think God’s teaching me things here, but I don’t think this is gonna be life-changing. I really hope I’m less selfish and can do more things for myself when I get home—like dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. And I hope I appreciate my huge house in Flower Mound and my car to take me everywhere. But by no means has this 6 weeks been life-changing. Let’s face it. I’m just bored. I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster. I wish I could be like Emily Gilbert (sorry if this is awkward that you're in my blog...) and just live places and make friends and always be myself and be crazy and fun and have an amazing time. She can always be herself, and people love it. I admire that a lot. I haven’t been myself here the whole 6 weeks I’ve been here. I’ve really been trying to be more confident and just let go. But it’s not working.

The more I meet people and make friends around here, the more I realize how unique and truly AMAZING my friends are back in Arkansas. Shoot there is NO ONE quite like Elizabeth or Emily or Katie or Alex or Kirena or Luke. I haven’t met anyone with our sense of humor. I freaking love them so much and being here makes me realize how freaking fortunate I am to have them.

And the more I hang out with people’s families and in people’s houses the more I realize how much I LOVE my parents and our house. Seriously…it’s just so comfortable. Gosh I love my life at home.

Of course…the grass is always greener on the other side. Why can’t this be as cool as I thought it would be? I’m not learning Spanish as fast or as well as I thought I would, I’m not traveling or having any unique Mexican experiences, I’m not working with orphanages or the transition home (mainly because of my self-consciousness about my Spanish and my frustration with having to use it). Ugh. I pictured myself being so laid-back and chill and go with the flow. But nothing’s going with my flow and so it’s weird. I hate that I can’t just be like Emily and love life wherever I am. But she had an advantage in California this summer and in Ireland. Friends. Her age. In the same boat as her. She lived with 11 other people who were all interns at TOMS from all over the country, doing the same thing she was…wanting to explore SoCal and live it up while they could. And in Ireland…I mean she’s with Lizzy, Luke, Alex, and Jeran. All her best friends are there with her. They’re all exploring, living, studying TOGETHER. I have nobody here. My friends are Mexicans—with their own lives. It’s so much different when you’re by yourself.

I just wish so badly that I was one of those super-confident, outgoing people that could walk into a room knowing nobody and within minutes have a bunch of friends and have half the room saying, “Yeah I just met her…she’s pretty cool…” Even in a different language. I can speak well enough for small talk. Why can’t I get out of myself? Even in the states I do this. I’ve been struggling with it so much. I’ve been praying for God to just open my shell so I can just let go and start living here. I hate it…it’s SO far outside of my comfort zone…

I’m just so tired of analyzing this trip and trying to simplify my thoughts about it and trying to justify it and make it ok in my head. Gosh…get over it. I’m tired of thinking so much. I just want my semester abroad to be fun, like I and everyone else was expecting it to be. I don’t want it to just be learning Spanish and growing spiritually. But maybe once I accept that…I actually be able to let go and have fun. Gosh this is hard.

Recent Pictures...

1 and 2. pictures from my new accomodations.
3. sunrise from waiting in line for opera tickets.
4. the people who were in line first...they started at 10pm and spent the night there.
5. all the people in line at the theater.
6. the front of my new house.
7. my tiny "apartment" in back.
8 and 9. view from the roof.
10. my stuff...there are no drawers or anything for me to put my stuff...so it's still chillin' on the floor.
11. me and judit at the jazz cafe downtown last thursday night (JB there's your shirt!)
12. diana doing my free nails.
13. diana's salon.
14. my legit, free nails.
15. me and JB at the VIP movies a couple weeks ago. where we got crepes, sushi, cappuccinos, and the movie ticket for only $11. what the crap. why don't we have that in the states?!

Welp.

Ok so I'm doing better. I wouldn't say I've changed my mind about wanting to go home...but I'm in better spirit about it, thanks to the Lord. I've kind of just accepted that I'm gonna be here until December 15th and it's gonna be hard and I'm gonna hate it at times. But I know I'm growing and I guess that's what God brought me here for. To break me, heal me, and grow me. I know he's trying to teach me to have faith and not be scared--seeing as I walked to school for the first time on Tuesday, and although I was terrified, God kept me from all harm. He's trying to teach me to live in lower circumstances, and with this, I'm learning to appreciate things a lot more. I'm still frustrated with my recent lack of progress with the language. I can tell I'm on the verge of switching over to no longer thinking in English...it just hasn't happened yet.

I talked to Danny today and on Tuesday, and talking to him always makes my day. I just love that we basically have like...nothing in common...not even any friends in common really...and we've still remained good friends over the last 5 1/2 years. Love it.

The weekend's coming up and I have absolutely nothing planned...I think the Lord is also trying to teach me that it's ok to be alone. That just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm alone forever and that I should have a meltdown. It's just something I'm not used to being forced to do. Whereas here, I don't have a car, I have a limited amount of friends who have busy lives--so often get stuck in my room with nothing to do...and I thus have a meltdown. The Lord is trying to show me that it's ok to be alone, and to take the opportunity to further my relationship with him.

In other news, I've seen 5 movies in the last 2 days, and I rented 5 more today to keep me entertained this weekend. I've never really liked movies before--here, I'm obsessed. Mainly because it's so cheap. I went to the movies last night and saw Stardust (which was completely in Spanish--no subtitles) and my ticket was only $2.50. I then bought a giant tub of popcorn (the jumbo refillable ones) and a giant soda for $4.50. Freak-a-leak. No wonder I want to go everyday.

I also got my nails done on Saturday for FREE. One of Yazmin's sisters, Diana (my favorite), taught herself how to do acrylic nails and so she did mine...for free. They're legit too.

On Sunday morning, I stood in line for 3 hours (starting at 6 in the morning) to get tickets to an Opera that was in town Sunday night. They ran out about 60 people before me. I was really bummed. I love the opera.

I ate Elotes Alex on Sunday night and it never ceases to amaze me. Probably my favorite food. Ever. Like the movies...I could go there every day.

Oh. P.S...I got 5 tacos this morning for $2.40. They were goooood too. Dang things are cheap here.

Soon I will post pictures of my new living situation. Oh and also: the people here inspire me to be more ambitious. Everyone here is really smart and works really hard. I might change my major again when I get home. If I already speak Spanish when I get home, what's the point of finishing a Spanish degree? Who knows...they all think it's crazy here that I'm getting a degree in Spanish. Only. People here only go to school to get degrees in things they could make money at. Like business, finance, medicine, etc. The idea of getting a degree in a language is ridiculous. Who knows what I'll do with my life.

Also, everyone here drives standards. So...I'm going to learn how to drive a stick while I'm down here. I told my teacher this morning that I didn't know how and she laughed. Really hard, for a pretty long time. "You don't know how to drive a stick?" I tried to explain that they're not that common in the states. Here, not knowing how to drive a stick is like not knowing how to drive at all.

At my wit's end...

I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so confused. I don’t even know what to think anymore. Saturday I felt fine…but I was busy all day. Saturday I understood and could speak alright. Saturday I had fun. But overall…this experience has been really really really hard. And I can’t tell you how appealing the thought of getting on an airplane and flying home tomorrow is. The idea of just getting to my house and crashing. I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having friends. I’m tired of praying and praying and praying and not seeing any of the big picture. I’m tired of trying to speak and failing. I’m tired of not improving. I’m tired of feeling like I’m going crazy-when I look back on these kind of posts when I’m having a random good day when everything feels ok, I wonder why I’ve been so up and down here. I’m tired of feeling anxious the second I’m by myself. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of trying to overcome my fears. I’m tired of being out of my comfort zone. I’m tired of being shoved around from house to house and never really feeling like anyone really wants me there. I’m tired of being stretched.

This isn’t culture shock, this is me not having a good time. This is this trip not being at all like I thought it would be. This is me, unable to have a fun time when I am out with people my age, because all I can think about is how I don’t want to go back home and be alone. This is me not improving because I don’t have the energy to put towards learning this language because I’m so exhausted from everything else.

I don’t want to talk to Greg. I don’t want him to talk to my host family and “fix things.” I don’t want him to move me to another family. More changes, more changes. Enough changes. I don’t think I can handle this.

I just want to go home. I’m tired of dealing with all this. I’m tired of things never being anything like what I expected. I’m just really tired.

I know that if I went home, everything would change. I would probably do absolutely nothing for the rest of the semester, and then change my major. Again. As far as missions goes—I don’t know if I’m cut out for that! If I can’t freaking learn the language and tough it out here in Mexico, how will I serve on the mission field with Spanish? If I can’t go 5 weeks without friends, how will I do in the mission field? I thought I loved Spanish, but being here makes me hate it. I’m not improving. And I’m tired of trying to be confident when I’m not. I’m tired of trying to be happy and fake it when I’m not. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being sad all the time. I’m not a sad person! It makes me feel like I’m not doing well spiritually, but I am! I’ve never spent so much time with the Lord, depending on Him as much as I have been since I’ve been here. I just feel utterly exhausted, like I can’t go any further.

If I go home, I won’t learn to speak this language. But at the rate I’m going, I won’t learn anyway. Everything would change if I went home, but at least I’d be at home. Right now the only thing keeping me here is that I know I’m not a quitter. I don’t ever bag out and go home. I know that God doesn’t ever give the people that love Him anything they can’t handle. But damn, it sure feels like I’m barely hanging on.

What’s the big picture? Why the hell am I here? I haven’t even stepped foot in an orphanage, and my Spanish isn’t hardly improving at all! What is God trying to do here? I realize I’m being stretched…but there is just too much! I’m SO far out of my comfort zone, I don’t even know where my comfort zone is anymore. I’m just so confused, and I feel like I’ve been praying for a piece to the grand puzzle for so long, to no avail. I’m almost certain God’s plan wasn’t for me to come here, realize I couldn’t handle it and then go home. But being here is wearing me thin.

Something’s gotta give. But I can’t figure out what. And right now the idea of getting on a flight to Dallas tomorrow is almost too tantalizing to resist.

Being here makes everything different. I want to go home and change my major, and get more involved at JBU. I want to get back into music, it was the only “intelligent” major I had. Everyone here works so much harder than people in the states. Being here makes home and even all its bad parts seem fantastic. Being here has made me learn so much about myself, and mainly made me see things that need to change. Being here makes me realize how hard it was for God to grab my attention beforehand. I was so distracted by school, friends, and selfish ambitions. But being here is so hard, and I crave comfort like a ship-wrecked person craves dry land. I crave laughter like a sick person craves morphine. I’m at my wit’s end and it feels like I can’t go any further.

But it’s funny how after struggling to cling to the Father’s hand through that big crowd and feeling yourself wearing thin, when you finally lose your grip and let go, right before you fall away to be trampled by all the blank-faced people above you, the Father bends down and picks you up and carries you the rest of the way…

I’m about to let go. I can’t do this.